Chapter One

The Super-Christian Lie

            When I go to church and other Christian related activities, I often feel out of place.  This is a strange reality because I have been a Christian since I gave my heart to Jesus at the age of nine, which means I have been a Christian for 40 years.  It’s not like church is new to me.  Still, I think God's house should be for me more of a place of solace, acceptance, retreat, and of safety and security.  It needs to be an oasis for tired and battered people in need for shelter.  And I believe people would find church being these things if we as Christians would drop our facades and masks and venture to be more real with each other.  Church should be the most authentic place we experience.

            Instead, what I find is that the church is one of the most “unreal” places I step into and that Christians are some of the most “unreal” people I know.  For this reason, for me, the church is a scary place to go to, and, likewise many Christians are scary people to know.  Sometimes, likewise, they are the last one’s I choose to trust. 

            This is because the judgments made in God's house can often be the cruelest around.  We as Christians can be harder on each other than any non-Christian.  The persecution we give to each other often times makes the grief the non-Christian world gives us pale in comparison.  It has been said that Christians are the only ones who are part of an army who shoot their wounded.  The stress of being shot by another Christian causes great fear among us.  I believe it causes us to hide from God, ourselves, and each other, similarly to the way Adam and Eve hid from God after they had sinned.

            This hiding makes it so we are afraid to be ourselves with each other.  My resulting experience and reality is that when I go to church I feel a great deal of anxiety.  I know deep down in my soul that differences are neither tolerated nor valued; what is valued is sameness and strength.  We try so hard to look like each other or like the mythical “Super-Christian” that exists in each of our minds.

            Sometimes, I get the urge to be politically incorrect in my appearance to see how the people who are my spiritual family will react. My sense is that people would begin to pressure me to go back to “the me” they think they know.  If I did not, I believe there would be consequences to this apparent aberrant behavior, some of which may be severe. 

            An experiment by a sociologist bears this truth.  His hypothesis was that family members could not handle a slight shift in the behavior of one of its members.  He asked the college students he was teaching to act like total strangers when they went home for one of their school breaks.  He asked them to say please and thank you to everything that was done for them, or to be formal in what was ordinarily a very informal setting.  They were instructed to do this for only one hour. 

            The result was that none of them were able to complete the experiment.  It put such pressure on the family system that none of the individuals could stand it.  The family put immense pressure on the student to become the informal role they were before the experiment.

            I believe the same dynamic exists in and is true of most social institutions, including and, maybe even more so, the church.  The church as a social institution has a very difficult time with change and, therefore, lags behind other institutions, such as businesses in adapting to a world of increasing change.

            Even with something as meaningless as growing my hair longer, I have sensed the uncomfortableness of my fellow Christians around me.  When I was in my mid-thirties I was sporting shoulder length hair that rapped into a neatly packaged six inch ponytail.  Some people did not know how to react to it.  Some needed relieve their anxiety by making a joke, but most people said nothing hoping it was just a stage I was going through.  I grew it because I always wanted one and was curious how it would look on me.  I could have easily told them this if they just asked, but sadly, I don’t think this would have settled the issue in their minds.

            I remember when a famous Christian musician came to our worship service to sing and showed up in ragged, faded blue jeans that people whispered in disapproval of his looks.  Little thought was given to his message and his music.  Far too many people had an impossible time looking past his clothes to see his worshipful music.  We, as a congregation, were not used to someone dressing so informally in church. 

     I also remember being jealous of the freedom he had to be able to sing and leave and not have it affect his long-term social and economic status.  I doubt he will be re-invited.  It's amazing to me how much we judge people on outward appearances; I expect this of the world, but I find it even more prevalent in the church.  The range of behaviors, emotions, language, and just over all who we happen to be is much more constricted in the church than in the world.

            On the outside, we talk of cooperation and fellowship, but inside each of us are in competition.  In reality, true cooperation and fellowship always encourages people to express WEAKNESS AND FAILURE.

            We compete mostly by our outside image.  We try desperately to never let anyone know our loneliness, depression, and fear.  Instead, we walk around with smiles on our faces and, by doing so, tell everyone that all is “well with our soul.”

            Some “lucky” (oops, sorry, I must be politically and theologically correct and use the word “fortunate” instead of “lucky” to intimate God’s involvement………This just one of many examples of how silly our fundamental and evangelical Christian subculture and it’s language is) individuals seem to have it all together.  They wear the right clothes, say the right words, they have the right friends.  Certainly, some the “lucky” people are truly good people; they have charisma and their life is filled with many opportunities.  Their exceptional gifts and talents are matched by an equally exceptional internal integrity.  The most obvious sign of their spiritual maturity is their sensitivity and heart for those in pain.  This sensitivity reflects a humility that knows that “but for the grace of God, go I.”  These people who are real know that they are not any better than anyone else, and that they easily could swap shoes with someone who is in an unfortunate situation or someone who has made even a series of poor choices.  They are like Jesus in that they are not judgmental.

           These people are a pleasure to meet and be around because they try to treat everyone the same. Their humility and their accepting spirit makes others feel at peace around them.  People who are struggling feel an acceptance that is real.  Being with them is like being with Christ because they, in fact, are Christ-like!  We desperately need more believers like this in the church.

            On the other hand, the Super-Christian presents an impossible ideal for us to reach.  Still, he is too often lifted in our up churches as the model.  He is presented as the model of spiritual maturity, and, therefore, promoted amongst us.  Many times he is elected to the Board of Elders, not so much for his spiritual acumen, but  because he is able to “play the Christian game” better than the rest of us.  This game is as political as anything that happens in Washington, D.C. and perhaps more so.  In addition, he is too often chosen to lead because he has been successful in the business world or because he has a gift, talent, or skill that the church needs in order to function better. 

            The Super-Christian is also successful because he is better at hiding his weaknesses.  He believes this is the best way to behave and live in the church setting.  He intuitively knows that it doesn’t pay to be open about his dirty laundry.  This he shares with few people, if any at all, including his wife, his kids, himself, and his God.  Because of this, he fools himself and others about his own worth and level of spirituality.  In reality, he doesn't know just how sick, spiritually and emotionally he is and, the rest of the church body doesn’t either. 

            This model leaves the rest of us in a spiritual vacuum.  The harder we try, the more we fail to be like him or her.  This is a confusing message because we too often believe this person to be “like Christ.”  As we try to pursue our own spiritual path, we compare ourselves to these “together” individuals and end up on the short end of the stick.  No matter what we do, we will never be as good, special, or spiritual.  This is because it is very hard to play this game and, while few have mastered it, those who have too often become our leaders.  And when they implicitly and covertly communicate that it isn’t safe to be open, the rest of us follow along like “sheep to the slaughter.”

            As a way to convince us that this unreal behavior is in fact the opposite, or real, we hear sermon after sermon telling us it is just a matter of faith, time, and maturity, while our insides desperately have a healing need for the truth.  We are told (implicitly and explicitly) that if we try hard enough, we, too, can be like this!  That it's a matter of obedience and faith and, sadly, because of our itching ears, we buy into this message hook, line, and sinker. 

            The problem with this misguided truth is that no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough and/or a Super-Christian and this is why it makes it a lie.  Still, we want to believe it; it's what we want to believe, because we do not like who we are.  We have not yet learned to accept ourselves, just as we are. 

            Funny, God has accepted us just the way we are; after all, He did make us.  And the word on the street is that God doesn’t make any mistakes when He makes people, He only makes people who make mistakes.

            But the material world in front of our eyes begs us to believe the “Super-Christian lie.”

            What's ironic is that this process mimics the carnal world.  We don’t have to look too hard to realize that what we find in the world is competition and a fight for survival.  This is often ruthless and unfair.  In the church we have just re-interpreted the meaning of this experience.  We used spiritual words and spiritual props to make us believe that what we are doing is God's will.  The truth is that, too often, just like the world, we are following our own selfish and egotistical desires.  By using spiritual language, we copy the world without knowing it.  The result is the same.  People are put in cliques and a whole social hierarchy exists which no one wants to talk about.

            Certainly, we judge each other with a different set of characteristics and criteria than the world, but these judgments can be just as cruel and un-Christ like. 

            At the Christian college where I teach, individuals are more “datable” if they represent the Super-Christian ideal.  The students put each other under immense pressure to conform to this ideal. Typically, these characteristics manifest themselves by having a happy Christian face, communicating that they will be a success in the Christian world. 

            They must not be committed to materialism, but ironically it helps to come from a wealthy Christian family. 

            They share some similar traits as their non-Christian counterparts as well.  It helps to be good looking, smart, a little avant-garde, athletic, and witty.  It is also best not to have any significant hang-ups.  If you have had a rough and tumbly past, this can help you if you prove to others that it is behind you.  In fact, you may be envied by those who have not been able to free themselves from their Christian upbringing enough to sow a few wild oats.  If you have these qualities, the rewards of the Christian world await you.  If you do not, your worth as a person, in our Christian subculture, is typically minimized.  No matter how much you try, unless you conform to these fundamental and evangelical Christian norms, you will only be successful to a limited degree. 

            In the end, the church is no more tolerant, and maybe less so, of serious personal difficulties and differences than the outside world.  For example, most of the people I see in counseling are Christians, and most of these people have learned a long time ago that people will listen to their problems only for a short time.  Sooner or later they are usually told to pray about their problems.  This is just another way to let someone know that you are finished listening.  It would be more honest to say you don't know the answers, that you would be happy to talk more about it later, and that you will help them find someone who can help them if that is what they want.

            In addition, as Christians we are under the dubious social pressure that goes something like this, “Not knowing the answers to life's difficult questions might suggest that your personal Christianity and walk is not strong enough to handle such problems.”  This confronts the misguided belief that the Christian life, if lived right, is easy.  Nothing is further from the truth. 

            I have heard sermon after sermon in which the basic message is that if you follow these simple three point biblical instructions, you will be successful, more acceptable and pleasing to God, and, therefore, more blessed by Him.  And I don't mean momentarily (although sometimes this is the message), I mean that since God has instructed us in all ways as to how to obey Him the  message is you must make a choice.  Eventually the Christian life is made up of a series of choices to obey God and be, therefore, blessed.  The message is clear:  Being blessed by God and living the successful Christian life is up to us, it is ultimately a choice to obey and be blessed or not obey and be unhappy.  When this message becomes internalized we tell ourselves, even unconsciously that we responsible for the condition in which we find our life.  It is not hard for the average Christian to eventually deduce that “if you are not happy, it is your fault,” or to hear that “happiness is a worldly desire and something you should stay away from.” In other words, if you are unhappy, there can't be anything wrong with God and His Word or the church, so it must be you.

            What results is, hundreds of people in church feeling the need to wear a mask and appearing happy and together.  I have had many people say to me that they must be the only ones struggling with their Christian walk, because everyone else looks so happy, together, and successful.  Similarly, I also have stopped getting surprised or shocked by stories of “successful” Christians who have fallen off the deep end.  It can be devastating to be a new believer (or any believer, for that matter) to watch such a spiritual “icon” fall.  Paradoxically, what is closer to the truth is that we are all stumbling and falling. 

            If we were more honest  with each other, the church would be a much healthier place to be.  When we are dishonest, we wear a mask to cover up our imperfections.  This mask leads some people to be accepted (by being good players at this unreal game), while others are rejected for not fitting in or for choosing not to conform to the Super-Christian mold, ideal or lie.

            The rejection in the church is more serious because we are adding God to the equation.  When we fail at this unreal game, not only are we failing to meet our fellow Christians' standards, but, in a way, these standards are communicating what we all believe God wants from us.  When we fail these standards and ideals, in our head and in our hearts, we believe we are also failing God.  The result is a lifelong struggle to get close enough to the “super-Christian” ideal.  The result is a life long feeling of not being a “good enough” Christian.

            What adds to the insanity of this social reality is that Jesus has done all that is necessary for us to be acceptable to God and, since we have all professed to have accepted His sacrifice, it would only make sense that we would more naturally be the most real, accepting, and genuine people around.  Too many times the opposite is the truth; we, as Christians, are often the most fake people to be in relationship with.

            But let me get back to the struggle of trying to be a “Super Christian.”  This uphill and chronically exhausting struggle makes some Christians give up this fight.  They cannot handle the rejection and failure, because through this process they feel like a failure.  Many leave the church to go back to the world.  The world may not have the answers, but, for this person, it sure is not as lonely, hard, judgmental, tiring, rejecting, unrealistic, and mystifying in its expectations.  A person can handle only so much loneliness and pain before they find solace in the wrong places.

            When this happens, we blame the person for not having enough “faith.”  By doing this we can continue to reject them while relieving our own guilt about who we are as people. Sadly, the church gets smaller instead of bigger.  The people who stay in the church are the ones who have made it or the ones who are still trying to.  In the end, the church keeps the “successful” people, while it gives the slow, subtle message to those who do not fit in, that they belong elsewhere.  The subtle and covert message is that if you do not fit in, “either become like us or leave." 

            I believe that the church should be a place where all people should feel loved and accepted.  This needs to include the successful and the unsuccessful, the pretty and the ugly, those who are in need and those who have something to give.  Those who are hurting, and confused, and cynical, and those people who are used to losing, should also feel that church is the safest place to be.  We do not need additional messages that we are unfit because the world is cruel enough and rejecting enough just the way it is!

            Usually, the process I am talking about takes a while.  When a person first becomes a Christian, they are usually accepted just the way they are, but sooner or later, this honeymoon ends and, the person is told implicitly and/or explicitly that they are to change. 

            Certainly change is a necessary part of the Christian life.  The problem is that most of the changes we are concerned about are superficial.  Sometimes we focus on a person's hair and how long it is or isn't, what clothes they wear, how much money they seem to have, where they sit in church, who their friends are, where they live, and what they do for a living.  A perceptive person sees through the political nature of the church and either chooses to join the hypocrisy, tries to be an agent of change, becomes a church-hopper, or leaves the church altogether.

            In other words, people are being hurt in the church just like in the world.  The main difference is that in the world, people are generally more willing to admit that their motives are selfish.  They don't understand our Christian subculture where everything is so covert and hidden.  When a non-Christian becomes born-again, it often takes time for reality to set in that it doesn't pay to be as honest in the church as they were in the world.

            In the Christian world we have to hide our wrong doings and wrong beings.  The behaviors that the world accepts, we, too readily, force underground.  The result is a whole subculture of believers who rarely dare to be real around each other.  Sin must be hidden!  The face of doing well is worn by most of us because if we don’t it means that something must be wrong.  There are those in the church who will judge you for not “having enough faith”, and for not “rejoicing” or for not “counting it all joy.”  If you happen to be around someone who spiritualizes everything, this person might decide to “pray” for you or put you on their “prayer list.”

            Again, there is nothing wrong with prayer; this is an important Christian discipline.  The problem is in the attitude of the prayer; it is too often one of haughtiness or indifference while being covertly judgmental.  This judgmental attitude is covered by prayerful concern.

            This attitude shows how separated from each other we are.  It's almost as if the worst thing someone can do for you is pray for you, because it shows you have problems and may be failing in some major area of your life.  The sad truth is that we are all failing and badly in need of prayer.  Too often we use our Christianity as a shield (which it was never intended by God to be) to keep ourselves safe and hidden from this truth and from each other.

            As I said before, one of the most dangerous places to be the real you is in the church.

            What is both interesting from a sociological perspective as well as very frustrating, is the superficiality of most of our group prayer times.  My usual experience is that when someone asks for prayer requests, it's someone's far away Aunt in another state who is old and sick that gets mentioned (I know I am overstating the case, but I’m doing so to make a point, so please indulge me a little). 

            This is one of the prime examples of the lack of intimacy in the church.  We have small groups to counter this, but still, my experience is that this is as close as we dare to come toward each other.  Few want to risk mentioning how unhappy they are in their marriage, or the trouble they are having raising their children, or the depression and anxiety they experience.  As Christians, we give each other the covert message that being too personal and intimate is too dangerous.  By the time we find out what is really going on in someone’s life, it is too late, a crisis has already happened.

            On the other hand, did you ever notice how refreshing and fun it can be to be around non-Christians?  I don't find the same kind of pressure to be in a box or to be perfect.  They don't have our list of do's and don'ts!  To be fair, they have their own list and it may be just as hurtful as ours in its own way. 

            Still, our list may be very biblical, in a technical sense, but when we judge each other against our grid of do's and don'ts, some of us are winners and some are losers.  Non-Christians don't have this same grid.  Consequently, in a paradoxical and ironic way, they are more free to be themselves and more able to allow others to be so.  This is speaking of tolerance.  Non- Christians are generally more tolerant of differences than us.  While we must uphold the moral absolutes of the Bible, we must not do this harshly and without the respect of the individuals involved.  Too often we do this without love.  Additionally, sometimes our motive is to lift ourselves up compared to “failing Christians” and the “non-Christian” in general.

            I had a client come in the other day and tell me how enjoyable it was to be around a group of non-Christian musicians who had asked him to accompany a “big band.”  When he did, he found he was judged for his musical talent alone.  The other musicians were free to be themselves and they expected the same from him.

            I am not saying is that it is better to be a nonbeliever.  I value my relationship with Jesus more than anything else in the world and I would never let my envy of the freedom with which the lost can live their lives convince me, for a second, to give up the true freedom I have found in Christ.  What I am saying is that sometimes it boggles the imagination that I can be more myself with a nonbeliever than with my brothers and sisters in Christ.  

            The experience my client had with non-Christian musicians pales in comparison to the Christian school and church at which he works and attends.  At these places he cannot be himself.  If he was, he would probably lose his job and, therefore, he must go underground with his true self.  It's not that he has some terrible sin to hide, but even if he did the Christian school and church would be the last place he would share it. 

            Still, and sadly, as his Christian counselor, I am one of the few people who know him completely. He knows I will not judge or reject him for the spiritual struggle that is common and necessary for all of us called Christian.  While it is unfair to compare the safety of the counseling room to the rest of the church's social reality, ideally, the church should be a place of retreat and safety from a cruel world and a place where we can be ourselves with each other.  Too often he experiences his Christian friends as less approachable than the non-Christian friends he meets.

            Finally, did you ever notice the people we put on the covers of most Christian magazines or publications?  These people symbolize who we want to be and what we value.  They are usually very attractive and smiling. Not that there is something wrong with being good looking and happy, but not everyone in the church could possibly be this way. 

            We have followed the world's standards in this regard.  The publishers also know that this is what sells, whether it is a Christian publication or a secular magazine such as Vogue.  We are all at fault because we cannot handle the ugliness in ourselves. When we lift up individuals or “models” that represent what we want to be we can deny our own ugliness, shortcomings, and imperfections. 

            What I would like to say is that only by admitting to God, ourselves, and others, and by accepting our weaknesses and ugliness (warts and all) can we become open, vulnerable, and honest with each other.  We must stop hiding our ugliness so it can be safe enough to come out of our shells.  If we do not, we will continue to put pressure on each other to live the “Super-Christian Lie.”  We will continue to force each other to wear masks in order to continue hiding from each other.  By doing this we can be safe behind the walls we have built.  We can stay there in our isolation and with the privacy of all of our warts.   By doing so we can continue to hide our weaknesses from each other, continue to wear our phony church masks and pretend that none of us is as lonely as we really are.  In the end, the church will continue to be an unsafe place to be and Christians will continue to be unsafe people to know.  If we don’t succeed at reversing this process, we will continue to be very poor and ineffective witnesses for Christ and most non-Christians will choose non-Christian venues to find acceptance, friendship, and authenticity. 

            I believe this is one reason why so many people go to counseling.  One reason my profession exists more today than any other is because it's one of the few places left where it is safe to be yourself!  If we commit ourselves to bringing this safety into the church, more sinners would be saved and more saints would be healed.

 Click here to read Chapter 2