CHAPTER   3

Sometimes It Hurts So Bad

            I Believe there is a relationship between the amount of hurt and suffering that we have gone through and the degree to which we need realness.  The hurt we have received in our past or present is the degree to which those significant people in our lives have not been real with us. 

            These significant people have hidden themselves from us; they do not want to show us their weaknesses because they are afraid.  This is true of most people in authority including pastors, teachers, and most importantly, parents and a lot of other people I challenge you to think of.

            There is a myth that if we are in a position of authority we must only show strength.  I believe we would be much more effective if as leaders we would show both our weaknesses and strength.

     As a parent, I am afraid to show my children that I am a real person.  I get so taken up with the job of “raising” them that I lose sight of the fact that it's me they want.  It is my real presence with them that will give them real security and the help they need to feel normal.  More importantly, it is this quality that makes me more approachable because it lessens the gap between us.  While there is a danger of going too far to their level, it is also true, and usually the case, that we go too far in the other direction of playing out the role of being “the parent.”  Without showing the real you to your kids, you cannot be friends as well as the parent you want to be.

            This lack of realness leaves a feeling of distrust and eventually a constant fear of abandonment.  It‘s like saying, “I cannot trust that you will need me if you do not show me where you hurt, what you are afraid of and where you have failed.  If you hide from me, down deep I'm afraid you don't trust me.  I then become afraid that if I fail you, you will leave me.  If you cannot trust yourself or anyone else, how do you expect me to be able to trust you?”

            This kind of past abandonment teaches you to not open up.  If you opened up and were hurt, you will be less inclined to do it again.  If it happens often enough and repeatedly, you soon close yourself to the possibility of being close with another individual.  The risks are too high, the hurt is too painful.

            The eventual outcome is for all of us to wear a mask………we put on the face that we believe others want………we become what will not bring us rejection.  We can tell from the reactions of others very early in life what is acceptable and what is not. 

            At a young age we learn to become “acceptable.”  We know that to not play the game means that we will be an outcast, that we will be alone, labeled, ridiculed, and rejected.

            Instead of becoming what God has created, we become what others want us to be.  This can be repeated so often that we can lose touch with the real us inside.  In the end we learn to play the game very well.  We may look popular and happy, but inside we are “living lives of quiet desperation.”

            When someone is real with us, in person or in a group, we secretly appreciate it, but we dare not do it ourselves.  It is reasoned that only people who are in real pain or really struggling open up about such things.  The truth is we all are in real pain.  None of us can go through this world without it being so. 

            Yet, we put people in categories and classifications.  We give them labels and somehow this makes us feel better.  It allows us to feel separated from such “strange” people.  The truth is we all are strange.  In this we are all more alike than we want or are willing to admit to ourselves, each other, and even God.  This only perpetuates the Super-Christian lie and the loneliness we all feel.

            The Super Christian lie is similar to the legalism and egocentric religion of the Pharisees.  It reminds me of the story of the Pharisee who invited Jesus to his house for a meal (Luke 7:36-50).  During the meal a worldly woman came to Jesus and washed His feet with her hair and tears.  When the Pharisee saw this he thought to himself, Jesus must not be a Prophet (not to mention, the Son of God) because he reasoned that a true Prophet would know that she was a woman of the streets and, therefore, not allow this display of sin filled emotion to happen.  He figured a true Prophet would not defile himself in this way.

            Jesus was aware of what he was thinking and asked him a very poignant question.  He asked the Pharisee:  if two people owed different amounts of money to the same person, one who owed a lot of money and one who owed a little, and the borrower cleared the accounts of both individuals, which one would be more thankful and indebted?  The Pharisee answered correctly by stating that the one who owed the larger sum would be more appreciative.

            Jesus then used this example to state that the Pharisee was like the one who owed little and was forgiven of his small debt.  Jesus then went on to state that from the beginning of the dinner, the Pharisee had treated Him like any other guest.  It became quite clear that he didn't know with whom he was dining.  What was blinding him was his own pride and misguided sense of pseudo self-worth.

            The amazing thing is that the Pharisee had no idea he was dining with God’s Son. He had no idea that the person he was having dinner with was not only God’s Son and, therefore the God who had created him, but that Jesus was also present at the creation of the earth with God the Father, Himself.

            The prostitute, on the other hand, was well aware of her position with regard to Jesus.  When she saw Him, she spontaneously became prostrate.  This, incidentally, is the correct position for all of us. She knew this because she was painfully aware of her brokenness, and because of this she felt in need of healing.  She knew she was in the presence of God and that the only rightful place was at His feet.  Jesus goes on to elaborate to the Pharisee,

"Do you see this woman?  I came into your house.  You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.  You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.  Therefore, I tell you, her many SINS have been FORGIVEN--for she LOVED much.  But he who has been FORGIVEN little LOVES little."

            This woman was in pain.  When she saw Jesus, she knew just how sinful she was and how much healing she needed.  I believe she was drawn to Jesus because, unlike the Pharisee, He would be real with her.  He would not mock or ridicule her, but accept her just where she was at. Jesus later tells her that her sins are forgiven and that it was her faith that had saved her.  He then tells her to go in peace.  In other words, He was saying to her that He was with her, that she was whole, and that He was on her side.  Jesus did not condemn her and He did not want her to condemn herself.

     What He did do was condemn the Pharisee for his arrogance and unbelief.

            This story shows the direct correlation between pain and the need for realness.  The more others hurt us and we hurt ourselves, the more we need realness.  It is imperative we get it, in order to be healed.

            Mental illness is often caused by the people around us not being real.  It is difficult to be real because it demands that you show and tell others you are weak.  This is true in spite of the fact that the Bible tells us it is through our weaknesses that He will make us strong.  In truth, the way we live our lives shows how little we trust each other and, in truth, God. 

            Our social institutions including our families, churches, and schools (arguably the most influential in our development) are places where we must put our best foot forward.  We are taught that social rewards come through being strong, not weak.  Generally, we reject and have little time for those that struggle.  These people remind us of our own fragility.  We prefer stories about John Wayne and “the American way.”  We are self-reliant, rugged individualists.  Even though this is admirable and somewhat Biblical, it is only half of the truth.  The other part is that we are so weak that we need God and each other, not in some trite way, but for our very survival. 

            We can only communicate this by allowing each other to know about our external and internal struggles.  Sometimes we refer to this as our “human" side.  Interesting wording, isn't it?  The problem is that inherent in our humanness is imperfection.  It is these imperfections that we are ashamed of and try desperately to hide from each other.  When we hide our imperfections from God, ourselves, and others we become unreal, fake, and distant from each other. 

            When we are not real and vulnerable with each other, we create families, churches, institutions and societies which are sick.  Not only that, but in addition, the result is we create winners and losers, and the losers are too often the weak.  If you do make it in this society, it will be because you will eventually realize that you will get little help from others, that you must build walls, and do it on your own.  This is why our country is filled with rugged individualists who paradoxically end up our heroes.   

            Either way, the truth is that other people will only respect you when you respect yourself enough to do it on your own.  Ironically, when you communicate this, others become more interested in helping you.  The result is the strong get stronger and the weak, weaker.

            A world (or a church for that matter) which does not intentionally plan programs to allow people to show weakness, feeds this lie.  Most of us believe this lie and, as I stated before, want to. 

            When those who have been repeatedly abused live in such a world, they blame God, themselves or someone else and, the rest of society does as well.  In the end they learn to be victims. 

            The result is that there are few places for these people to hide, and fewer places where true weakness is allowed to be expressed.  The places we call normal and healthy are simply those places where Christians have gathered who are "strong" enough to handle such competition and cruelty.  Even then, though, those who "survive and succeed" in this world we call "reality," are lonely and hurting.  The very people we call successful are only successful on the outside.  When we find out the truth about our heroes and leaders, we become surprised at the contradiction. 

            We demand our politicians to be superhuman, and we demand this of our church leaders as well.  The problem is, super-humans don't have weaknesses and if they do, they have successfully whipped any problem which comes their way which wipes away any sign of weakness.  We admire these people, but in reality, in their private lives they are filled with continual, and pervasive real struggles.

              Like parents, these leaders are afraid to show any crack in their armor for fear that the followers would not believe anymore.  Our pastors are afraid to show weakness because we communicate to them that we need them to be strong.  In turn, they take on this role, almost unconsciously, while many of them burn out as they compulsively try in their own power to be a “Christian Superstar.”

            Paradoxically, this is what draws them to the ministry in the first place: A misguided and often narcissistic view of themselves.  In turn, our pastors are afraid to show weakness because this would not reflect on God very well.  All of this insanity is happening while Jesus clearly stated that the “meek and humble will inherit the world.”  In addition, He also stated that His leadership style was one of weakness, realness, and one of being last, not first.

            Ironically, it only follows, that those who have been through more trials and tribulations in their life (including those called into the ministry) have a deeper capacity to understand their need for God and the healing He gives.  They are therefore, better able to receive love as well as give it, and are in a clearer understanding of Jesus’ deity.  They are humble enough to understand, because of the depth and degree of their suffering, His complete acceptance of them.

            Some people ask me why God has allowed them to suffer so much. To them it seems that they have indeed received far more pain, loss, misfortune, and even abuse than others.  Hopefully, because of the truth above, the gain of a greater appreciation for one’s need for God and the humility this brings is worth the pain of the rejection they have experienced.     

            I guess pain is the best way to make us realize how much we need God. 

            In contrast, it is easy to believe in almost anything if you have not been tested. 

            Our pain brings us back to God and reminds us that the woman at the well is just like all of us!  It is our pain which makes us have a contrite and humble heart.  For this reason, our pain, past, present and future, has meaning.  It allows us to know God in a deep way, in a way that no other road has to offer. 

            There is no teacher as good as suffering and pain.  It is the deep way in which we know God through our suffering that makes the hurt and pain worth it.  It is from this attitude and position that we can be humble enough to be used by God for His purpose and glory. 

            When God decides to let us know more about Him, ourselves and others through suffering, it is among the greatest privileges afforded to us on this earth.  It is from this position, attitude, and full bodied awareness that we can give to others what has been given to us.  It is from the love we have received through pain, and suffering, whether this be because of sins committed against us in our family of origins or because of the sins we have committed against ourselves or against others, that we are, paradoxically, in the best position to learn.  

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