Chapter 5

The Theology of Law and Grace

            What has helped me survive this madness is the understanding of “The Theology of Grace.”  Of course, this is by no means new nor did it originate with me, it is my understanding of true Grace that has made all the difference. I heard it most of my life and was definitely taught it in the church as well as seminary.  The problem is I rarely saw it lived out successfully and fully.  When I did, it confused me how this Christian could be so free, especially of guilt.  I have been filled so much with guilt as the result of learning about a stilted God that I often say I feel guilty for something as normal as breathing.  I have been a person who has naturally and constantly surveyed and analyzed everything I have done, which has only made the situation worse.  I have spent most of my life in this prison of guilt. 

            Few people knew (including me) the constricted way in which I lived my life.  The irony of this is that most people believed I was living the model of the Christian life.  I remembered a friend of mine remarking to my mother that I was the only true Christian he had ever met.  On the outside, I lived all of the superficial Christian ways.  This act convinced even the best of cynics.  If he could see me on the inside - or from God's perspective - he would have seen how untrue his observation was.  The problem was that I was so out of touch with myself and my feelings that it was impossible to expect anyone else to see the truth about me. My life was a big lie.  The scary thing is I did not know it.

            In order to better understand the theology of grace, I believe it is helpful to understand the theology of law.  Technically, the theology of law is what the Apostle Paul argues against in the books of Romans and Galatians and else where.  It refers to the old way in which men believed they had to attain salvation and God's favor.  It meant following a system of strict rules in order to become holy.  Paul argues eloquently that to attempt salvation and holiness in this way is a waste of time.  He states that if you have broken one of the commandments, then you have broken them all.

            It is only because of Jesus’ death and sacrifice for us on the cross that we can be holy.  In other words, Jesus did it for us, because we were and are hopeless in being able to do this for ourselves.  To try and be holy by working harder and harder to be holy is a waste of time.  Still the pride in all of us begs us to try and please a God that has already provided a way.

            But this is not the only way to teach the Theology of Law.  I was taught law under the guise of grace.  In other words, I was told I and every other Christian was free, but in reality what was taught and modeled to me was a misguided and harmful form of law.

            There is one specific way in which I was taught this.  I was taught, as a Christian, I did not own anything.  I remember being at a famous Christian seminar and being taught this theology.  The question was asked about how to handle the conflict of a sibling who uses your clothes without asking.  The answer was easy for this speaker:  simply, you do not own these clothes, God does.  We were admonished to live this way in order to please God and to be happy.  We were encouraged to look at all of life this way.  In other words, I believed and tried to live as if nothing was mine.  This included my material belongings, as well as my time, energy and body. 

            Without being aware of it, I was being taught Spiritual Pacifism.  If I didn’t own anything, then there would never be a reason to become angry.  If someone took something of mine, vandalized my property, hurt me physically, or spiritually, I was to count it all joy.  This suffering, I was told, was a privilege because it helped me understand and identify with the sufferings of Jesus.  Of course, none of my sufferings could come close to His, but in these comparatively small sufferings, I could do God's will and better understand what Jesus went through.  I was taught that this would help me be more like Him.

            What was Spiritual Pacifism actually turned out to be “Spiritual Masochism.”  By giving all of my belongings to God, I was left without boundaries to protect myself.  If someone abused me, I was to remember how much worse Jesus suffered for me.  Anything that happened to me could never come close to the humiliation and suffering He experienced by becoming man and dying on a cross.  This happened to Him even though He did nothing wrong.  It is, therefore, logical (because I am a sinner) to assume that much of what I received in the form of suffering was probably to some extent my fault.  There is no room for self-pity or complaining in this theology.  You get locked into acting out happiness regardless of what might happen to you.  For me, in everything I was to count it joy.  My joy turned out to be misery. 

            While I lived perfectly this facade on the outside and was fooling everyone, including myself, on the inside I was enraged, angry, hurt, and unhappy.  The Theology of Law also had an answer for these difficult feelings.  Put simply, feelings were not to be trusted or acted upon.  I was being taught that my feelings were where most of my sin nature resided.  I could trust my thoughts and behaviors, but my feelings were another story.  I now believe this was taught to me because the nature of feelings is to be inherently mysterious.  Law cannot tolerate such mystery and, therefore, feelings were rarely talked about and not to be trusted. 

            This is what I meant by Spiritual Repression.  Repression is the process whereby we push unwanted feelings, thoughts and memories into our unconscious mind.  With the Theology of Law, I had spiritual ammunition to ward off my unwanted feelings.  What was on the outside could be trusted; what was on the inside had to be forced into submission.   

            The tragedy of this process is that it left me without me. I was a nonintegrated person.  I had parts of me that I was to accept, and other parts of me that I was to discard.  I now know that without understanding and accepting these ugly and unwanted parts of me, I can never be a whole person.  Still, I was depressed, guilt-ridden, anal-retentive, perfectionistic, out of touch with my feelings, and a fake. 

            This repression left me as two people.  There was the outside me and the inside me with which I was not in touch.  (I suppose one could call this a form of “Spiritual Schizophrenia.”)  As long as I was out of touch with all of me, I could easily be manipulated to be (on the outside) whatever anyone wanted me to be.   

            By now you should realize how similar this is to the power that every cult has over its members.  By taking away who you are, a cult takes away you.  You become a zombie, following authoritarian dictates and doing this with zeal.  No one from the outside can tell you what you are doing is wrong.  The outward structure of the cult takes over for what you lack on the inside of your soul and personality.   

            In my life, as long as I was “obeying” God, no one seemed to care what was happening on the inside.  In fact, if anything, I was told not to focus on the inside.  Obedience is what mattered.  Happiness, in the form of feelings, was something I was to leave to God.  If He wanted me to be happy, it would be so.  My part was to do or die, not to ask why!  Happiness would, therefore, be a reward from an unselfish God to a selfish, but obedient follower.   

            Through this process I have described, many churches share similar and scary aspects with cults.  In fact, I believe many churches to be cultish congregations who happen to have the Gospel as the truth (or their weapon or both).  I now happen to believe that God is a lot friendlier than this!  He is not interested in controlling me, but in developing me, over time, effort, and prayer, along with His mercy and grace, into His beautiful creation. 

            What symbolized this process of repression to me was in the booklet from Campus Crusade for Christ called “The Four Spiritual Laws.”  Just so you know and so you can be reassured, I don't disagree with the overall message of this famous pamphlet.  I believe it has been used, perhaps more than any other, to bring countless to Jesus.   

            What I had trouble with was the answer to the question toward the back:  What happens if I don't feel anything special after asking Christ into my heart?  The answer is given in the form of an analogy of a train.  The first car is the engine which drives the train.  This engine is called fact. The second car is the coal car which supplies the train with energy.  This is called faith.  The caboose, which is the most unnecessary part of the train, is called feelings.   

            The analogy was given to encourage those who did not feel something intense and supernatural when they came to Christ.  The overt message is that you should put your faith in the facts and not listen to your feelings.  I suppose that one could argue that at least they put a feeling car as part of the train.  The problem is that by putting it at the end, in the form of an unnecessary caboose, the writer relegates feelings to be less important than facts and faith, and, possibly in an unnecessary position altogether.  

            I now believe the process to be more circular.  By viewing it this way, all three - fact, faith and feelings - are all equally an important part of the Christian experience.  Put it another way, if one never experiences the feelings of Christianity, one better take another look at one's faith in the facts. 

            I was reminded of this at a recent church service.  The pastor was teaching on how to handle suffering.  His answer was that suffering had to be handled logically, especially in light of God's Word and the future glory (happiness and bliss) that we will experience in heaven.  When he broached the topic of feelings, he stated that they could not be trusted and he likened them to eating some bad food.  In other words, if for example you eat the wrong food you may not “feel” well, and, therefore, these feelings and all feelings are fleeting and as reliable as the wind.  

            My experience is that feelings are one of the main tools God uses to communicate to me.  I am not trying to say that I always trust my feelings, because I don’t.  What I am saying is that I have learned to trust them as one of the ways to know myself and to know what God is trying to say to me, especially when everything is seen though the lens of what He has said in the scriptures. 

            I believe now that without knowing my feelings, I cannot know myself and the God who made me.  In other words, understanding my feelings is crucial to my personal and spiritual growth.  I believe spiritual growth is forever arrested without the understanding of one's feelings.  The sad truth is that our churches rarely dare to speak this truth.  I've also realized by reading God's Word that God is a feeling God and that because we are created in His image, we also have feelings.  I also have realized that He is not afraid of my feelings (even if I am) and that He knows them before I do anyway. 

            It is for this reason that I have gained an appreciation for the Old Testament saints.  Many of these characters gave God hell.  (Excuse the vernacular; it just makes me feel more real to say it!)  Jeremiah complained, almost to a nauseating degree, about the situation in which God had put him.  Jeremiah was not allowed to enjoy any ceremonies, such as weddings or gatherings of any kind because of the seriousness of the message that he was to give to his countrymen.  Therefore, Jeremiah spent a good part of his book lamenting (complaining) about his earthly situation.   

            I believe we all need a course on how to complain in a holy way.  By having heard the message, overtly and covertly, that I am not to complain and by being told of the virtues of those who do not (as a sign of spirituality and maturity), I have learned to bury my most powerful feelings and thoughts and to put a smile on my face, even if I am crying on the inside.  When we succumb and conform to this pressure, we inevitably end up wearing a mask.   

            Job and Jacob are other good Old Testament examples of individuals who were real with God, even to the point of Jacob wrestling with Him.  It is true that none of us could win such a battle, but Jacob must be admired for trying.  At least we know where he was coming from!  I wish this could be said for the rest of us. 

            The Theology of Grace is far different from the law.  The blessed truth about grace is that God is as pleased as He ever will be with me!  The good news is that I do not have to do the pleasing, Jesus did it for me.  It is because of the total and complete work which He accomplished on the cross that the pressure of pleasing God is taken care of. 

            Through law I was taught about a God who was rarely pleased.  Through grace I have been taught that God, like a good parent, loved me so much that He provided a way for me to please Him, once and for all. Sure, I will make mistakes and this will not please Him.  What disturbs Him most is that I am hurting myself, not Him.  Grace tells me that God is indestructible.  It is not God I have to worry about; He can take care of Himself.  God is worried about me, not Him.  He has my interests at heart.  He is on my side, as it says in Romans, “If God is for me, who can be against me.”   

            This truth has been made more real to me since having children of my own.  When I think about them, I realize they do not have to earn my love because it is unconditional.  My love for them became unconditional the second I became a father and laid my eyes upon them.  It is something that is impossible to describe unless you have become a parent.  The good news, if you are a Christian, is that God has become your father and so intimately that He wants you to call Him “daddy.”   

            Because my love for my children is unconditional, there is nothing so bad or shameful to our family that they could do that would make me disown them.  This is not to say they will not and do not disobey me.  They do and they do it often.  With their sinful natures and natural curiosity, they get into all kinds of trouble.  Sometimes they do this just to test my patience.  There are times I would like to separate their heads from their shoulders – I’m kidding of course, but if you are a parent, I'm sure you know what I mean.  They often push me beyond what I think I can bear.  Still, in spite of the worst things they may do, I will not reject them.  This reminds me of the verse that says God will never leave us, nor forsake us.  With God on our side, who should we fear? 

            This truth brings security to children.  It also brings security to me, God's child.  Even though He is Holy and demands perfection, He provided the way by becoming man and living a holy and perfect life. By accepting the sacrifice He made for me, I became His son.  By doing so, I never have to fear Him leaving me or rejecting me.  There is nothing so bad I can do that would make Him turn His back on me, even for a second.  Because of what He has done, I can rest in the security of knowing I am His forever. 

            This is a very difficult truth to believe when you have been shamed by significant others in your life.  A few examples of shaming messages may include, “What’s wrong with you!”, “You idiot, why would you do something like that?!!  A shaming message, intentionally or unintentionally, tells you there is something wrong with you!  It's not what you do that becomes the focus; rather toxic shame says you are the problem.  We feel guilt when we have done something wrong, but we feel toxic shame when we are the something that is wrong. 

            It is very easy at this point to confuse the theology of depravity of man with that of toxic shame.  Depravity says that you can do nothing to please God and that without Christ, you are going to Hell.  When a person who has been shamed as a child hears this message, it makes sense for the wrong reason.  Because a shamed person already feels they are worthless as human beings, it is not hard for them to hear the message that they cannot please God.  They readily accept this message because it is Biblical proof of what they already have been told about themselves: they are a failure! 

            While it is true that none of us can impress God with our goodness and worth, it is another thing to say that we are worthless.  I doubt Jesus would have died for something that was worthless.  It is because we were created in His image that He died for us.  In John 3:16 Jesus states that, “God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in shall not perish but have eternal life.” (NIV) (Emphasis mine) 

            Yet, when a person feels that they are worthless and that there very being is flawed, the verses of the Bible which could be interpreted as validation for this worthlessness is the kind of Biblical proof that a shamed person has to hear.  They identify with verses that talk about our sinfulness, how we all have sinned, how we all fall short, how all of our righteousness’ are as filthy rags, and that there is “none that is good, no not one.”  While these verses are true, they don't speak of our worth.  While we did not deserve salvation (sin), God saw us as so worthwhile (worth) to become man and die for us. 

            Because of these Biblical truths, I do not have to try to please a God who is already pleased.  He has provided the way; my part is to “rest” in His power and plan.  Because of this I can relax, knowing that He is in charge.  In fact, I can even enjoy life! 

            I used to believe that God's plan depended on my obedience.  I remember sermons in which the preacher proclaimed to me that all God wanted was one man.  In these sermons I was told that in the scriptures one obedient man was all it took to accomplish God's will.  The faith portions of the Book of Hebrews were often used as an example of this. 

            I no longer believe all of this.  I believe God will enact His plan with or without me---certainly He will, in spite of me.  Of course He wants me to go along with Him and this is what obedience is all about. Still, if I sin or disobey Him, this does not mean that His Will will not be accomplished.  God is bigger than me; His Plan is bigger than me, even though it includes me. 

            I want to please Him now because I no longer have to.  I used to please Him compulsively because I thought I had to.  The truth is I will certainly fail now as I did before.  When I fail now, I no longer feel the oppressive guilt of letting God down.  I know He is not pleased when I disobey, but I also know it does not destroy His day.  God sees me in process.  I go through periods of great growth and, at other times, through periods of failure and stagnation.  Through all of this, I know that He is with me.  Even though in the short run He may be disappointed with my failures, in the long run “He will never leave me or forsake me.”  I now have the blessed truth that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, it is what Jesus did that ultimately counts. 

            It is for this reason that I feel free.  This is what grace is all about:  Freedom.  This is also what the Book of Galatians argues poignantly and with conviction. Paul goes on to say: 

            Galatians 3:1-5, 11-13 

                        You foolish Galatians!  Who has bewitched you?  Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified.  I would like to learn just one thing from you:  Did you receive the spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you had heard.  Are you so foolish?  After beginning with the spirit, are you trying to attain your goal by human effort?  Have you suffered so much for nothing-if it really was for nothing?  Does God give you His spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, of because you believe what you heard?..........Clearly, no one is justified before God by the law, because, “The righteous will live by faith.”  The law is not based on faith; on the contrary, “The man who does these things will live by them.”  Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”   (Emphasis mine) 

            The sad truth about my life is that I went into ministry to please a God who was already pleased.  The freedom that these verses talk about was not true in my life.  I, like the Galatians, believed and lived a gospel from men, not from God.  I forgot about the way Christ had suffered so that I do not have to. 

            As soon as I graduated from high school, I was involved in youth ministry.  I was there because of how much it helped me.  While I attended a Christian college, I became a youth minister of a local Young Life club.  The kids responded to me and my leadership team.  Without the benefit of a church, its budgets and buildings, we had 75 mostly non-Christian kids, coming to a Christian club.  What was happening in our club was more significant and real than anything else in the churches or other community activities.  The kids were excited and lives were being reached for Christ.  Real ministry was happening.  One could feel the movement of the Holy Spirit during our meetings. 

            Later, I went to seminary.  While I was there, I tried a number of different jobs to help pay my bills.  I vacuumed condominium projects and such while trying to stay out of youth ministry.  I was trying to live a peaceful life with my new wife.  The problem was that this new work seemed very insignificant, so soon I went back to youth work.  This was my job while I went to graduate school. Lori, my wife, also supported us by working as a kindergarten teacher in a Christian grammar school. 

            During this time, I dragged Lori to every youth meeting and gathering.  We had kids calling on the phone and visiting us at our humble mobile home.  We had hurting and intoxicated kids sleep on our family room floor.  One girl, in particular, stayed over after walking two miles in a driving rain.  She was drunk and told us she had laid down in the middle of a busy street on her way over to our house.  She had tried to kill herself by having a car run her over.  When no cars came, she walked the rest of the way to our house and knocked on our door, asking if she could stay the night. 

            What was uncomfortable and in its own way funny, was that we already had Lori's uncle sleeping on the family room floor.  He was embarrassed being awakened in his underwear by an intoxicated teenager.  We let her in and let her sleep on the floor of our bedroom.  My uncle-in-law was impressed with the intimacy of the relationships we had with these kids. 

            What he did not know was that I was burning out, in my own way, for the Lord.  Lori had the wisdom to see the insanity of our life style far before me.  I kept on pushing.  I wanted the best and most significant youth work to be happening under my leadership.  I tried everything that had made me successful before, but I was met with mostly frustration and minimal success. 

            At the same time, I was trying to do well in school.  I had never taken school seriously before, had poor studying habits, and made it by through on a wing and a prayer.  So, now that I was older, married and in seminary, I had committed to myself that I would do no worse that a “B" in any of my classes.  This goal I accomplished.  Even though I had never been known for my studying discipline and scholastic aptitude, I graduated from Graduate School with a 3.33 average.  This was a major accomplishment for me.  I am sure none of my high-school teachers dreamed I would stick with and be successful at school for so long.   

            I struggled from the beginning of the first semester.  Even though I committed myself to getting a good start by getting all “A's", I received all “B's" that semester.  I was in such terrible physical condition by the end of the semester that I went to see a doctor.  He took my blood pressure (it was 160 over 100) and advised me to ease up in my life.  He did not put me on medication because of my age - 25.  I tried to slow down, but there seemed to be so much to do and so little time to do it. 

            Somehow, my blood pressure went down and my grades went up.  I realized what it took to get good grades on papers, even though no one had taught me how to at this point.  Later, when I went on for another degree from Seton Hall University, I graduated with high honors, had my thesis stored in the library for future students to reference, was inducted into the International Honor Society, and passed the state licensure exam to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.  I received the second highest score in the state!!!  All of this I accomplished being a person who would be embarrassed to tell you what score I received on the SAT.  

            I struggled juggling these responsibilities (being a new husband, a graduate student, and a youth minister) for three years.  Lori did a wonderful job of putting up with this while trying to adjust to a new job and place to live, let alone being newly married.   

            In my third year of seminary, Lori became pregnant with our son.  She continued to work until the end of the pregnancy.  We continued to do youth work with the same intensity, believing the best was yet to come.  I continued with my school work, doing better than I ever had before.  Also, to add to the already mounting stress, the last year was also the most difficult in the counseling program.  I had to write a Master's Thesis on my theory of the integration of Theology and Psychology.   

            With 11 days before the paper was due, I hadn’t started yet.  It got to the point where I had no choice but to begin.  I had painted myself into such a corner that I had to drop everything in order to have a chance at handing in my final major paper.  I studied, researched, and wrote night and day for the next 11 days.  While I wrote, Lori typed, heavy with child.  When it was over, I managed to finish and hand the paper in on time and Lori stayed healthy while pregnant.  I amazingly received an “A" on my thesis project. 

            Also, during this time, I was required to do an internship in counseling in order to graduate.  This meant I spent fifteen hours a week at a counseling center for no pay.  I had to add this to my already frenetic schedule.  One of the hardest moments came when my supervisor asked me to present a case in front of the regional office.  This group gathered once a month and she thought it would be a good experience for me to present one of the cases I was working with.  I did this, but I was very nervous for weeks ahead of time and during the presentation. 

            Essentially, what I am saying is that I was juggling going to school, adjusting to married life, having a child, writing a Master's Thesis, doing an internship, and all the while attempting to do a demanding and endlessly exhausting youth ministry.  The pressure I had put on myself was slowly, but steadily zapping my strength. 

            Somehow, it never occurred to me that I was doing too much.  I started to develop physical symptoms which should have tipped me off. While lying in bed at night, just about the time I was supposed to be falling asleep, my heart would begin to race and my head would spin as if I was falling off a building.  I would shake my head, talk myself out of it and eventually get to sleep. 

            On top of these stresses, Lori and I found out that she had become a diabetic.  This happened in the first year of our marriage while she was teaching around many sick five year olds.  Because of our busy schedule, neither one of us realized she had a strep-infection.  It was her principal who convinced her to go to a doctor.  We didn't even have the sense to know that we were pushing too hard.  We found out she was a type 1 diabetic, which meant she had to inject herself with insulin twice a day. 

            While we survived this shock, we did not realize the complications it would bring with pregnancy.  Three years later when she was pregnant, especially in the last trimester, she experienced severe low blood sugar reactions during the middle of the night.  During these times, I would chew up cookies or whatever sweets we had in the house and force feed her.  Eventually, she would come around.  These experiences were very stressful because I was always hanging in the balance between calling the ambulance (knowing we could not afford the doctor bills) and trying not to overreact.  She always came through, and our doctor assured me that this was a normal occurrence in a diabetic.  Still, the trauma was incredible and trying for both of us. 

            The scariest experience for me came when I was driving her to the hospital for a pregnancy checkup.  On the way, the road turned upside down.  The road was suddenly in the top of my visual field and the sky was where the ground was supposed to be.  This lasted only for several seconds, but it felt like an eternity.  I started to pull the car off the road, slowing down because of my fear of an accident.  Lori asked me what I was doing and I tried to explain it to her.  It is a difficult thing to explain without sounding totally crazy.  I now understand this to be called field reversal brought on because of severe anxiety and stress.  At the time, I did not know what it was, but I was convinced I was losing my mind. 

            Finally, David was born.  I thought this would bring us some solace, but I was totally unaware of what it meant to be the father of a small child.  For some naïve’ and ignorant reason, I thought that he would mostly take care of himself.  I thought his birth would bring a reduction in stress.  For those of you who have children and know what I'm talking about, you know how silly this is.  Hopefully, you knew a little more of what to expect than I did. 

            After the birth of our first-born son who was the first grandchild on Lori's side of the family, many family visitors came wanting to be supportive.  I always enjoyed seeing our relatives, but I did not realize this meant that David (our son) would be sleeping in our bedroom. Needless to say, in spite of the stellar job Lori did to protect me, I didn't get much sleep.  It certainly didn't make sense to give our child to our guests, so when he woke, I found myself held captive in my own bedroom.  This was happening during April and May of my final semester at school.  How Lori made it, how David made it, and how I made it, only God knows. 

            The reason for telling you this long story is that there is a lesson in it:  I believed I was living God’s Will for me, when in reality, I was living according to my own selfish timing.  I wanted all of my goals to be reached and realized yesterday; I was impatient!  I was addicted to my own adrenaline and didn't know it.  I was working hard thinking I was making God happy when He was already happy with me.  He never expected me to work that hard.  It was my naiveté and ignorance of what God really expected of me, and my greed that pushed me to the limits of my sanity.  I didn't want to wait for God to give me good things in His time.  I wanted everything to happen in my time.  Even though I appeared giving and humble on the outside, I wanted the youth ministry to set me apart from other ordinary ministries.  I was trying to build my own empire in order that I would get the glory. 

            In essence, I was trying to save the world when the reality was that I could not handle my own life.  When a teenager would not come to an outing, I would become angry and take it personally.  When a volunteer leader could not show up for a planned event, I would resentfully give my approval, while secretly being angry at their “lack of commitment.”   

            I was paranoid, in that I believed God had given me a special place and a special mission that only I could accomplish.  The truth was and is that it is His work which will be accomplished, and only if He wants it to.  He was teaching me that I was not to get the glory or to accomplish things on my own ability (which He gave me anyway).  I had forgotten that the ministry was God's work, not mine.  I learned that “saving the world” on my own and under my own power would lead to the destruction of me and my family.  Funny that this would all have been done in the name of God!

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