Chapter 8

How to Make the Church User Friendly

            It is an understatement to say that most churches are not user friendly to those it claims to be reaching.  Most non-Christians feel out of place in the church.  As I said before, we have our own language, dress, norms, beliefs, morals, rituals, and customs.  For those of us who have been in the church for a long time, it may seem that there is not another way to do things.  We thus lose connection with the outside world.  Their customs are as strange to us as ours are to them.  Yet, it is not their responsibility to reach out to us; in fact, they should have little reason to, they do not know they are without salvation, we do.  They may have some sense of being unfulfilled in their lives, but we can’t expect them to walk into church seeking the answers.  Usually, the world offers too many distractions and lures.   

            In the best of circumstances, people do not have the sophistication to know they are missing Jesus in their lives.  We on the other hand, know the answer they are looking for.  Still, too often we ask the unbeliever to fit into our subculture, with all of its peculiar vicissitudes and idiosyncrasies.  It is true, we are a strange people, not so much for our saintliness, but because we are so out of touch with the rest of the world.  Too many of us are using our Christianity to hide from the world.  We get too comfortable with our church friends and life.  Too often we reject non-Christians preferring, rather, to hide in the safety of the church. 

            True evangelism must start with a better and deeper understanding of the people we are trying to reach.  The only way to know this is to get out in the world and rub shoulders with non-Christians.  This may make us uncomfortable, and we may say we are doing this, but we need more of it.  Each of us needs to befriend more non-Christians.  By doing this, we will have a better understanding of their language, dress, norms, beliefs, morals, rituals, and customs. 

            Instead of understanding them, we put them down for being so “worldly.”  By the way, what else should we expect them to be, saintly?  We also use them as examples of what is wrong with our world in our teaching and sermons.  We use them as scapegoats for the reason our world is going downhill morally, institutionally, and culturally.  It is no wonder they feel offended by our message.   

            I also think it is a put down to think so little of them.  I think we should speak less and listen more; we may even learn something from these “heathens.”  This attitude of humility would be more useful in our evangelism.  We wouldn’t see non-Christians as objects to save or conquer, but as humans made and loved by God.  We would communicate the love of Christ without being offensive.  If the average church could eliminate its own agenda long enough, we might see more sinners (all of us) feeling welcome in God’s house.  The church would then become a retreat from a hostile world. 

            I once spoke at a Christian high school chapel on the subject of needing to get out in the world and getting to know a lot more nonChristians.  I also spoke about the special problem and challenge they faced because they were being educated in a protected Christian environment, going to school with only other Christians, and spending their summers with each other at Christian camps.  I spoke of the willful intention of their parents to sacrifice financially to protect them from the evils, temptations, dangers and influence of the public school.  Because of this I told them they had to do more than their public school Christian counterparts and peers to reach out and understand the world, and the thinking, and customs of the unsaved.   

            The truth is most of these kids didn’t know any unbelievers and didn’t have any as friends.  Yet in spite of this, they were constantly being told in class, at home, in chapel and in church that they needed to witness to the lost, that this was their Christian duty and obligation.  

             I had a question for them, “How were they going to witness if they spent most of their time with other Christians and even if they did how were they going to be successful if they didn’t understand the mind of the unsaved?”  I told them that it was for this reason that I listened to Howard Stern on the radio and that I did so because I wanted to understand why his radio show was the number one program for males between the ages of 18 and 45.  I told them that as I listened I was offended, especially at first, but that after a while I began to understand and appreciate his talent and giftedness as a communicator and, therefore, the reason for the shows success.  I went on to tell them that I would listen before arriving a the Christian college campus on my daily commute and that I would turn it off once I had to go teach class.  (To be honest with you, I found the contrast of these two worlds to be stimulating.)

            I also told them that I intentionally had decided to play for years with our church’s most competitive softball team partly because one half of the players were not Christians.  These guys came to church (the rule was you had to go to church twice per month in order to be eligible to play) simply so they could play on the team and because they had friends on the team.  I told them that most of them chewed tobacco and drank beer and that I did this with them.  I said proudly that after a game our dugout would more resemble a toxic waste dump than the pristine looking sand in the dugout of the Christian team we were playing from another church (since I was playing for my church, all of this shenanigans was happing in a Christian church league, in which we would pray with each other before and after the games, and be rated by the other softball team as to our Christian conduct.  We would inevitably receive the lowest Christian conduct score for the year compared to any other team and we were quite proud of it.  Paradoxically, what makes having so many rules fun is the simple joy found in breaking as many of them as you can and as frequently as you can.)  I heard the girls in the chapel service wince with disapproval and disgust. 

            After the service was over some students came up to me to say that they understood what I was talking about, that it challenged them, and reminded them to get out into the world more.  On the other hand when I spoke with the principal later on the phone he didn’t hide his disappointment with me and his rejection of what I had to say.  He said if he knew ahead of time what I was going to say he wouldn’t have had me come and that he had been fooled by my resume’ of teaching at a local Christian college, my association with Youth For Christ, and the fact that I was the director and founder of a Christian counseling center.  I must admit I find some sick joy out of picking at the scabs that most Christians don’t even know exist.  I also know this is a sin so keep your judgmental attitude to yourself, and besides this is one of the ways I find I can survive in this duplicitous world we call Christendom. 

            The principal was quick to point out that I would not be asked to speak at chapel again and that all the kids heard from me anyway was that I listened to Howard Stern.  I knew what he was saying to me was not totally true because of the feedback I had received from the students who came up afterwards.  I also believe many of the students probably felt defensive of their lifestyle and couldn’t handle the confrontation.  They didn’t like the obvious truth being thrown in their faces.  To them and anyone who wishes to defend them I say, “Get Real!!!”    

            The point I am making is that, in these ways, the church makes the mistake of serving itself rather than the people it is seeking to reach.  We need to change this if we hope to reach secular people.  These people are not stupid; they can see fraud and self-serving religion a mile away.  I believe it doesn’t take but a few seconds to realize that the sanctuary is there for someone other than their searching heart.   

            The church is so self-serving and hypocritical that it is easy to see, perceive and understand this by most men in particular.  Most secular men want nothing to do with the church because of its hypocrisy.  Although this can be an excuse for not letting God in one’s life, we too, as the keepers of the church need to examine our own hearts and reach out to these men. 

            Too many men find more realness on a golf course on Sunday morning than in church.  When they hit a golf ball, it doesn’t lie, it goes where it is supposed to every time depending on how you hit it.  There are no exceptions.  If they are honest with their score, they know the golf course has not shown them any hidden agendas.  What they see is what they get.  And even though golf may pale in comparison to a relationship with God, at least the golf ball is not as hypocritical as many of God’s followers. 

            How can we expect a non-believer to be attracted to a church that is set up for those already there when the smell of the outdoors is awaiting them?  These non-believers go to the golf course to get away from hassles and politics.  The average man and woman are confronted with this all week.  Why should they waste their time in a church service to impress people who are serving their hypocritical selves.  I may be over generalizing or overstating the case, but what I am saying is too often true and something I have observed for years as a believer and churchgoer.  We must do better with God’s house; we need to make it more user or sinner friendly. 

            Some churches have made great strides in this direction.  These churches, such as Willow Creek Community church in Illinois, are a fast growing church because its Sunday morning service (the time when most sinners would think of going to church) is a seeker service.  It is intentionally designed to speak to the unbeliever in his language and setting.  Everything about the service, from the seating (it looks like a movie theater), to it’s music and drama, is represented in a non-offensive way -- we wouldn’t want to offend someone with the Gospel, would we?  The messages are designed to counter the misconceptions of a self-serving and outdated Christianity, and more than that, to speak in the language and religious level of the person seeking for more meaning in their lives (Jesus). 

            Still, in spite of it’s success and the success of several churches modeled after it, I believe Willow Creek still fails to communicate that the Gospel is for everyone.  I used to attend Willow Creek and have had several friends and family attend there.  Through this experience, it is my judgment that the church is too much after the modern day yuppie.  Everything is done so perfectly that one wonders if he or she can fit in.  If one tries, they are met with the same kind of competition which exists in other churches.   

            This church is successful, in part, because the Baby Boomer generation and its corresponding multitudes, desires to worship in this casual style.  In some way, this is a left over of the revolution of the sixties, the time when most of these people were in junior high, high school or college.   

            In spite of their casualness, I believe they still convey a subtle message of competition.  I believe a lot of people go there to identify, not only with Christ, but also a slick modern day message of success.  The pastors and staff are too perfect in appearance to convey anything else.  In other words, the message is come to our church and become successful, like us.  Again, I think we would be more effective evangelists if we allowed people to be the failures they know down deep they are.  This kind of program would reduce anxiety and competition and make church much more friendly.  This would also minimize our need for human icons, models, and super-Christians and help us focus on Jesus, the founder of our faith. 

            I believe the institution that is doing a better job of this more than any other is, the quasi-church, Alcohol Anonymous.  IF YOU WANT TO FIND REAL, GO TO AN AA MEETING OR ANY OF THE OTHER MYRIAD ANONYMOUS SUPPORT GROUPS.  The movement has been so successful that it has branched into such things as support groups for relatives of alcoholics (al Anon), drug addicts (NA), sex addicts (SA), adult children of alcoholics (those who have grown up with an alcoholic parent and are now adults, or ACOA’S), emotional problems (EA), food addicts (OA), and survivors of sexual abuse.  There is even a group for those recovering from a cultic, fundamentalist church (FA, or Fundamentalist Anonymous).   

            In my opinion these are the fastest growing quasi-churches in America.  You will find this quasi-church wherever you go, usually meeting in church buildings.  All you have to do is look in the Yellow Pages and you will find an incredible network of help.  This movement has boomed in spite of no advertisement or central organizing committee.  They have no buildings (they rent if they have to); but what they do have is just broken people looking for help.   

            This reminds me a lot of Jesus words about His kingdom not being made of stone but out of people’s hearts.   No building could constrain the message of Jesus.  It is too bad that we His followers have not followed His example.  By the way, its not that I’m against buildings, it is just that no building could move as fast as Jesus’ love spreads.  One reason Jesus was an itinerant preacher was because He didn’t want to be constrained by a building and the people who operate them. 

            I certainly don’t want to infer that AA is without fault or that the church should model itself completely after it.  AA has changed to include any kind of God with which a person feels comfortable.  One’s higher power can be anything.  In this way AA has strayed from its roots with Christianity.  I believe this is a mistake.  Still, most of the biblical principles which gave AA it’s 12 steps still exist.  These are principles we need to examine and try to implement for everyone in the church. What I am trying to say about AA is that there is something going on that the church should take a look at.  There is a simple power in these groups that the average church lacks.  These groups are user-friendly and real! 

            There are few things as authentic as a group of people saying that they are screw-ups and that they have lost control over their lives.  Going around the room and stating your first name and telling others that you need help has tremendous power.  The power comes in the giving up of power.  The first step is to admit you are powerless to make anything of your life and that you need God to help you (this, by the way, sounds like most of us when we asked Christ into our lives.).  I find that most Christians, in spite of their repentance and admittance of sin, have never come to the humbling level that most addicts have.  Our pride is in the way.  Ironically, on the contrary, we are still trying to prove to God and others that we are o.k.  The people in AA know this is a waste of time.  If you don’t get past the first step (admitting you need God’s help and the help of others and that you are powerless without it), you have little hope of receiving any kind of help from God or man. 

            The other secret of AA is its anonymity.  In the church, we must hide our weaknesses because our reputations will get ruined if we are honest.  In AA you don’t care about your reputation because you know you have already destroyed it.  What you have in AA then is a group of people who know experientially they are failures.  They have a contrite heart -- one with which God can work.  They have a contrite heart because they have done everything their own way and failed miserably.  They have tried attempt after attempt to make something of themselves only to fail and make a disaster of their lives.  When you hit bottom -- the slimy bottom -- you will never judge another for being there.  You know all too well that one false move could put you right back at the bottom.   

            By the way, if you are still toying with the slimy bottom, you will eventually be humbled.  This is the experience that brings a truer humility.  Humility comes because the bottom means death.  If you are not afraid of death, it’s probably because you have never stared it in the face.  The problem with most Christians is that they have not experienced the depth of this bottom.  In spite of their talk of God’s will, they are still trying to do things under their own power.  It is not until God brings you to your knees that you can look up and appreciate who He is.  It’s in this awful place that you have a real awareness of who you are compared to Him, and that you need Him.  What is amazing is that even, or especially when you are in this awful spot, God is still interested in helping and loving you, just the way you are.  Only God could do such a thing.  When everyone else has given up hope for you, all you find left is God and His outstretched, forgiving, non-judgmental arms.  These arms have always been there, but most of us haven’t failed enough or been humbled enough to notice and ask for help.   

            The anonymity of AA offers a safe place to speak and experience your brokenness amongst others who have been in the same hellhole you have been in.  You can cry, struggle, and even swear (oh, no they have gone too far), smoke (that’s it, I can’t take it any more), and know that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that no one is going to make fun of you, put you down, or talk about you in the community.   

            This anonymity helps people feel safe to talk about the areas in their lives where they are messing up.  In a way, these are similar to the cell groups that John Wesley formed early in the Methodist Church.  What were most important in these groups were their confidentiality and the necessity of confession of sin.  By having this accountability and support, people are able to grow spiritually without the fear of condemnation.  While most modern churches have small groups, they are an immense failure compared to Wesley’s cell groups and those of AA. 

            Some might say, “Well, this is because these people have more problems than we do, so it’s not fair to compare us to them.”  This may be true, but this doesn’t make us any better compared to Him who really counts -- God!  Others may say, “If it works for those people (alcoholics, because they are so messed up) the more power to them, but I see no reason for normal people (like myself) to air my dirty laundry out for others to see.  What good would that do, besides harm my reputation?”  Still others may say, “The church is a place of worship; it’s God we should be focusing on, not ourselves and when we do this, we only take the focus off of God and put it onto ourselves.  If they want to do that at an AA meeting, let them.  Just leave the church for worshipping God!” 

            At best, these are misguided attempts at spiritual denial and spiritual rationalization.  This is true because the truth still remains, that compared to God we are all in the same sinful boat (or another way I like to say it is, “we are all in the same boat, the sin boat).  These rationalizations do not change the fact that we are nothing compared to Him.  We may want to compare ourselves with each other, but compared to God, we are all strikingly similar.  These rationalizations are also haughty and arrogant.   

            These attitudes are similar to the Pharisee, who I mentioned earlier, who thought Jesus should not let the prostitute (by the way, are we all not prostitutes?) wash His feet with her hair.  As Jesus said, she was the one who loved Jesus more and had a more rightful understanding of her position before Him.  Likewise, the alcoholic, drug addict, food addict, and so on, are not any worse than us, but one in the same:  sinners saved by grace! 

            So what does the church have to do?  First, we need to take a lesson from AA and offer groups that are anonymous.  We need to structure small group meetings for “normal” people to talk about what is not so “normal” about them.  These groups need to be confidential.  The church must assure people that it will discipline the gossiper with the same vengeance as the adulterer.  This should not be mere words, but something the church is willing to enforce.  I believe this is well worth the try.  I believe most churchgoers would welcome such a safe place and, that given the chance, most would follow the rules.  The church leadership (including the pastors and elders) should stress the importance of this from the pulpit.  If done so, I believe gossip would be the exception. 

            The alternative is to let gossip go unchecked.  The result is that people become more and more paranoid about opening up, and eventually relearn to wear a mask.  This must not be the norm for which we settle; we must believe, as the Body and the Bride of Christ that we can do better. 

            I know many of you have a hard time believing this to be possible, but at the college at which I teach, we have created such a program and we have not had one problem yet.  I teach a course on the “Methods of Counseling” and I structure it in such a way that the members are to disclose their failures and hurts.  Crying is not a strange phenomenon in this room of students.  No one stares or tries to overhear because they are too busy disclosing themselves or trying to help another person with a problem (mostly by listening).

            I tell the class of the expectations in the beginning of the semester and the consequences if I hear of someone gossiping about another student.  I tell them to tell on a student who is talking and gossiping out of class.  I find the students motivated, excited, and compliant to the expectations.  I also give them a chance, at the beginning, to leave if they are not interested or ready for such an experience. 

            While you may say such a thing is possible in a college classroom, let me remind you that the college campus of a Christian college is filled with just as many tangled grapevines as any church.  Don’t forget that these students are not only in class together, but also live together in their respective dormitories. 

            We also need to learn to accept people just the way they are.  It shouldn’t matter what they have about them that we don’t like or we find unusual. It might be the color of their skin, the way they dress, or their struggle with a particular sin that makes us want to separate ourselves from them.  We must face our prejudices by becoming involved with those whom we are most uncomfortable.  If you don’t like people of another race, then you should be in a small group with a person of that color.  You would find yourself appreciating this person and identifying with him as another one of God’s creation.  If you have trouble relating to a handicapped person, then force yourself to be in a group with such a person.   

            If you don’t like teenagers and their apparent irreverence, then be in a small group with one.  I believe you will learn to love him or her and vice versa.  I suspect you will find yourself having a renewed confidence in young people and, therefore, the future of the world in general.  Too many older people believe their generation is the last to be civilized and of any help toward the progress of the world.  The teenager would also learn that older people are still relevant.  We would find behind the differences of our age related subcultures, behind our different clothes, haircuts, and language, that we are the same.  We would find that those who are older have gone through the same struggles we have. 

            Too many older people feel they have nothing else to offer such a rapidly changing world.  We communicate this hurtful and harmful message to them by ignoring their tremendous potential.  By being forced to spend time in an intimate small group with an older person, we would find they still have much to give and how similar we all are, minus a few years.  Their loneliness (they commit suicide at a greater rate than any other age group, including teenagers) would be alleviated and their sense of purpose would be renewed.  The generation gaps which are a part of the church and the world would be diminished, and, therefore, people would find the church to be a much safer and more dynamic than the world. 

            Homosexuals also need a place where they can admit their struggle without the fear of being laughed at, put down, made to feel wicked or untouchable, talked about, pointed a finger at, or worse, threatened to be beaten.  A person who struggles with this sin needs a safe place to come out of the closet, not so they can practice their sin, but so they can be accepted while working toward Christ-likeness.  The way we treat homosexuals in the church is an abomination.  It is obvious that we would rather not hear about such a problem and that we would prefer people to keep it to themselves.  Further, we would prefer to ignore and deny what is really going on in the world.  This tells the homosexuals not to talk about their problem.   

            I find church people to be either disgusted or extremely angered by homosexuality.  This is an ultimate form of hypocrisy.  First, I don’t believe this is the attitude Jesus would have toward those people who suffer with this affliction.  Some of His friends and companions would probably be homosexuals, just like the prostitutes He befriended before.  Secondly, when we have this kind of reaction, it usually means we are protecting ourselves against such impulses.  This is an ego defense mechanism called reaction formation.  This means we are most motivated to change things in others that we usually want to deny in ourselves.  In other words, when I am confronted by a person who hates homosexuals and is disgusted by them, it makes me wonder if this is what they might be struggling with down deep in their own soul.  Thirdly, these attitudes show how out of touch we are with regard to the pervasiveness of this problem.  Homosexuality, to some degree, is a part of most people’s past.  At least half of the people I have seen in counseling have struggled with this problem at some time.  Even though this should not have surprised me, it did when one of my colleagues pointed it out. 

            By no means does this make homosexuality okay or not a sin, it simply puts it in a proper perspective.  Homosexuality is no worse a sin than many of the so called “normal” sinful things all of us do.  Again, we like to separate ourselves from these people to ease our own sinful conscience.  By separating ourselves from them, we send the message that we are better than them.  We end up saying, through our actions, that we may be a lot of things, but not something as disgusting as that.  We need to look in the looking glass and be a little more honest with our own sinfulness.  From this spiritual vantage point we would be able to relate to all people, because “there is none that is righteous, no not one!” 

            Through confidential support groups in the church for all people, each of us would find the safety to slowly drop the walls that separate us from each other.  Our masks would become unnecessary as we would begin to trust each other with our imperfections.  We would learn to accept ourselves and each other more, and church would become a magnet for the disconnected masses looking for intimacy.  Most importantly, God would reveal Himself in these small groups and we would gain a new sense of His desire for connection and intimacy with us.  It is then that the church would become user-friendly!!!